If you cant imagine feeling the same way as the LW, that doesnt make the LWs feelings bad or less-than. To put it another way, I guess: this is such a normal way to open a conversation that being annoyed by it means that you will be annoyed by a wide variety of people, forever. Look who is talking. This isnt a high-stakes issue like the LW that was abusing their partner. Texting gives you some time to think of clever or funny responses. It happens every time I get him as a teller. I think theres a frustratingI dont know what to call it, but adding monetary transaction to a relationship doesnt always make it better. Ive had trouble with that one, too. I wish the day also comes with a lot of fun and blessing for you. In the UK I think some places greet each other with all right? all right? and nobody blinks an eye. I too have found that nobody seems offended if I respond with a cheerful: Why? Without answering their question at all. Not everyone in my life always has. Then one day I said to her you know, when you ask me my plans without saying what youre thinking of, it makes me really nervous because it feels like signing a blank cheque, and she said oh no, that wasnt my intention at all, I didnt want to make you feel bad by suggesting things if youre already busy and now if she wants to suggest a thing, she tells me straight off what the thing is. ), This is one of those times where having a live-in or serious SO/partner/spouse is super convenient. I m trying to understand the other side, all those people who say they do this to make declining easier, but it just makes no sense to me. 3. People here may be disagreeing that it should be a normal social rule, but if you change your behavior to meet that, youll be wrong by other standards. I have a friend that would ask me what Im doing and when I say, Nothing the next thing is, Well, lets meet for lunch and then irritation and shock when I say Id rather not. Not making it a big moan-y you alwaaays ask that! just an in the moment, you know were close enough that we dont have to do this dance sort of thing. And I try to be easier on myself for not having more exciting weekend plans. In my case this is always 100% true because unless I literally have my calendar open in front of me I do not know what I am doing at literally any time on any day. :) Hope you like our compilation and try to stay serious ,please . Its great that you can come!. Anyway, the grad students said one woman asked, How do you think she got like that? and others nodded with pursed lips, agreeing that there was something wrong there. I have done that just doing errands/washing the car/housekeeping/taxes/library/walking the dog you? and still gotten a but are you doing anything FUN follow-up question(s). No other adult would be here. Good luck! Are you willing? or, if Im feeling that Im entitled to demand it, Ill say, are you available? (example: Im not going to react well if you want to play Minecraft instead of helping me wrap the favors for grandpas birthday dinner; if youre getting together with friends, online or IRL, or doing homework, OK). I have friends who do that, along with a SIL, and I also find it stressful/annoying. If someone just using what are you doing on __ as a casual opening to issue an invite, it gives them the opening they need. You know, I just had a *very* amusing misunderstanding with a facebook friend who was ranting about MLM (which I thought was the wlw type of MLM). You get to notice pretty fast that your opinions, feelings and thoughts dont matter if they dont conform to a view of the world that doesnt let them look like heroes and you like a cultural clich. Is everyone busy? Note that LW says when it comes to friend-peer interactions, its fine, other than reminding LW of the more problematic interactions. If I say why and she responds with something easily done another time or only sort of appealing, Ill judge it against a nice evening of doing nothing and maybe pass. Helen Huntingdon mentioned interruptingI just want to say, thats a helluva an assumption. And luckily the people asking me are perfectly able to graciously accept a No. I am definitely not math or sciencey, just like my me time, so that wouldnt have occurred to me. This is probably part of why I am frustrated by this conversation, because by most conventional social norms, you are actually doing nothing wrong. In the UK, most encounters respond with fine/good/grand, how are you?, In formal encounters, respond with how are you?. So the next time your phone rings you will be prepared. You can say "because you're too hideous" or "because you're too old." Then, actually do check your calendar, check in with yourself if you actually want to do whatever it is, and answer the person when its convenient for you. Funny Answers to How Are You Doing? The genered expectations in our family are much more of the women do the planning variety which can get super annoying when wed like to just go along for the ride every once in a while. The other day I got into this conversation with a mum I have to say mum colleague rather than mum friend, because her kid is in the same class as my kids and we seem to hang out quite a lot but shes an extreme extrovert and I am really not, and I see more of her than I would really choose to if I had to seek her out. Can you repeat what you just said? This is how I feel too. Message Example #6: ( Note: A long message like this example is a better fit for dating sites like Match, OkCupid or POF. Indoor Cat says feeling unsafe would have been the most damaging to her relationships with her parents long term. But then theres her Im going to need you to be my helper for Christmas Day because Im getting older, and that doesnt seem so presumptuousits MY Christmas Day and MY extended family too. I dont hear it much in my circles, and if it does come up I just say something noncommittal and wait for them to present a direct invitation or request if they want to. I think this is an expected thing for women to do. No matter how old you are, you don't want to be badgered about your life choices. Plus, young women and girls arent stupid they know that most people will view them as being at the absolute bottom of the dominance pecking order and will resent it if they dont answer questions put to them. That takes some skill. Amusing to think of borrowing a line from upthread: Well, it sounds like youre inviting me to something interesting! Flip the question back on them. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY. Find an answer. Obviously Im talking here about people Im friendly with, not friend-friends, but I cant imagine having got to the stage of being friends with someone who was inclined to rebuff me expressing interest in their life. And then when you part somebody accidentally says love you, too. Thats how it always happens for me, anyway. They may just be an indirect communicator, and Hey, want to go have dinner might feel too abrupt without any conversational preamble. I honestly dont even know why people say it at all when Ive never seen a follow-up to it. Great! So finding out if you have plans at a given time becomes an underhanded way of tricking you into agreeing to something, like LW mentions in point number 2. This is absolutely true; it IS rude to put someone on the spot like that. Oh yes, this! I find myself physically unable of disturbing her. If an acquaintance asks How are you? and I answer and ask back like I do at home, am I way off? On the other hand, being around them makes my shoulders go up around my ears. Shampooing the grass. Yes, this. A party people pop quiz so to speak. Folding the dishes. Here's the most obvious answer that no one can argue with. You can answer a pleasant: Nothing much! or Youre looking at it, breakfast was great! or I hope you get some free time later today, the weather is lovely! without worrying about it at all. That stuff just wears on people. I do have friends who have trouble planning things for various reasons and often say things like I miss you or We should hang out more without doing anything to make it happen. Me: Dunno, but probably not. I dont understand the point of the question. Relatedly, this is not an impolite thing to say. Climbing mt laundry! I know that doesnt solve your overall problem, and I dont know what a reasonable solution is Im Sorry youre struggling right now. I ticked the following boxes: 1) had conversation, 2) got her to talk about herself, 3) gave her questions so she could talk about herself some more to make her feel good, 4) she was talking to me, AND I saw her smile! 1. (Wriggle your hips) I am as happy as a tick on a big, fat doggy. If I catch myself, before they respond lll clarify what my actual invitation is. (Whether there will be some negative family fallback I dont know). If youve never read, The Gift of Fear, the critical point is that niggling things like exactly this are the warnings that can save your life and that there is literally no better metric than that the situation is giving you that reaction, no matter how small or how you try to dismiss it. OMG yes! It took some practice, but I always try to give an out for people, especially since I have a group of Japanese friends where theyre used to giving a soft no. Want to go to the turnip festival with me or are you busy? Well, Im not busy but I also dont want to go to any turnip festival ever. Good, the colors on the leaves are amazing (in Fall) I usually just respond with I have tentative plans with a friend why do you ask? Lots of wiggle room there. As unfathomable as it is to me to want to be out and about with other humans pretty much every night, it is unfathomable to them to want to spend a whole weekend under a blanket with a book. With strangers (e.g., cashiers) and other people you dont know personally well (casual acquaintances, colleagues with whom you are not also friends, etc. If someone just says yeah that tells me theyre not actually that interested. Try these OOO messages to let people know you're taking a break. I want to ask you to help me with a project tonight. Especially as its usually done over text, which (to me) precludes the idea of it being small talk. Since "doing" is an action verb, we need to use the adverb "well" to describe that action. Your feelings are your own and it sounds like What are you doing this weekend? has reached a point where hearing the question adds a ton of negativity to the interaction for you, which might be where this response is coming from? We were asking about things they like or dont like about America compared to the countries they grew up in. I understand that theyre just trying to be friendly and make small talk but it still feels invasive. So, when I do this I really am trying to get a feel for whether a busy people-pleaser like my Sis actually has time to do something on Saturday, rather than outright asking from the start and leading to her twisting herself into a pretzel trying to free up that specific block of time for me because she doesnt want to say no, Reading the LWs feelings about this situation and the comments, I can totally understand why someone would hate being asked in this way and why it might make it harder for some people to refuse something they dont want to do after theyve said theyre free, but Im still not quite sure what the solution is when dealing with someone who usually *does* seem to treat invitations as subpoenas. (this one may not be my wheelhouse anyway, no translation needed. picked up a shift right off the bat. Just how I like it :). I feel like its somewhat related to not saying no also). If it doesnt work with my schedule, I will tell you. Thats a little heavy-handed to apply to someone from one letter. Its okay to say you are within your rights to do these things anyway, because you are. My MIL does thatshe asks DH if we can come to dinner, and he says, Ill have to ask Toots. Then she calls me and asks me, and I say, I have to ask DH. Really early on, she did this, and then laughed at my answer and said, I asked him, and he said he had to ask you. But really those friends should elaborate: What are you doing this weekend? If the emphasis is on you its just a greeting. During [business_hours] that's usually within a couple of hours. .except I have a ton of folks in my life who literally ask this to trap me into doing things for them, so thinking their intent is innocuous after being shown time and again it isnt, doesnt necessarily fit the bill- specifically based on the reasoning LW gives. Thank you for a better way to ask this question. Ill have to check with E and let you know is super convenient. If its just to bond, asking about past activities might be an easier way to accomplish this. When you are waiting for the Good morning text. It was glorious. I sympathize. I was surprised what a relief it was to move to a completely different part of the country where I at least have the option of blending in. Some variation of were busy or we have plans works better. 1. LW, this struck me as a pretty extreme response. Trust issues and controlling family? ), its pure formula. That sounds weird coming from you. To her it was rude. But Im willing to bet that LW knows that, and the reason he/she feels annoyed with the people asking it in his/her life are because theres a pattern and something bigger at work like maybe people trying to get him/her to do stuff, or, as he/she noted, people who want to hang out, but with him/her doing all the planning work. Fine, thanks, and you? Or else, Id rather people not start a conversation unless they have something specific to say, unless its somebody like my sister who I know well enough to talk about nothing and enjoy it. And because family members pitch in. Well, have fun whatever you end up doing / decide to do. I chitchat with cashiers so its totally fine to say something like, Ah, gosh, so crazy today I got a flat tire and Im just grabbing something easy for dinner. In other words if you have the time and energy to construct a lowkey, mildly entertaining story then go for it, otherwise just stick with Great, how are you? and you can let the conversation drop from there. All of these. Im sure to him thats bewildering, but to me its bewildering that for so long he simply refused to choose to behave with appropriate respect. Can't complainI have tried, but no one listens. No other teller (in this bank, or others that Ive been in) does this. Darn, my wife wants me home early [so we can watch Netflix on the couch with our cat].. heres what i dont get: why would it be a problem, in the scenario youve given, to say, eh, i wish, but im swamped this week, shitYXZs been happening, ill ping you next week tho. I get tempted to make stuff up like join the circus or sky diving or whatnot. Jana: It's ok. I'll catch you later. Good enough. Whereas a lot of us see the advantages, like the precision you noticed, to some form of rapid written communication that wasnt around decades ago. LW is a better person than I; I would be tempted to say, I desperately need to re-grout the bathroom and weed the garden. I suspect some of the people who are giving a vaguer yeah to the lets hang out have answered what they thought was an actual suggestion with Saturdays are good for me and gotten um, er, Im kind of busy these days, Ill call you and never hearing back. Be polite. Its also tripping flags in your head, which is infinitely more important. You are never going to stop hearing this question from relative strangers and new acquaintances, but I think with close friends or family, you should be able to say to them the next time, you know Im a pretty straightforward person; if you want to invite me to something you can just ask me directly. or some variation thereof. It sounds like he'd get into some fun and adventurous dates. Okay, how would that be couched in terms of a lease you would give to another renter? I think w/ friends, if youre open to the getting together, you can say, Were you thinking of trying to get together? in a hopeful tone. I dont know many people who issue we should hang out soon with the expectation that the recipient is then supposed to plan an event if they agree? You know the people youre interacting with and their likely motivations better than we do, of course. And it's a great way to know what's at the top of someone's mind. It never occurred to me to take this question literally. Maybe you have a mountain of laundry and it takes the whole weekend, or you are just doing the laundry inbetween other activities. A: I'm planning to just take it easy. Ive learned a lot of strategies.). Its not extreme when your life has several of those sharks who ask that just to trap you. 126 followers. If a stranger or acquaintance says, How are you? its mostly just meant as a greeting, and you greet them back by saying, Im good, thanks or Doing alright or Oh fine, and you? Just some standard vague but positive-sounding reply. If you need an answer right now then Im gonna have to say no.. Bonus points if you say something that makes zero sense, but you end up getting your family to look at you like a genius anyway. Copyright 2011 thru 2023 Jennifer Peepas, all rights reserved. Im much better at saying no now, and I realize that in most situations saying no is a perfectly socially acceptable answer. Can I let you know for sure tomorrow?. Why? As others have mentioned, if I say yes Im free and then they offer something I dont want, then I *really* feel the pressure to say yes because Ive already essentially told them I have nothing better to do. But, in the long run, in my life, I think the conflict over emotional labor and fair division of chores, while sometimes painful and frustrating, was something we were able to move past when I moved out because I never felt unsafe. It's funny I don't even register the question "How are you?" (I've lived equal times on the West and East coasts of the US), but I see a couple of UK commenters upthread and when I lived there I never, ever got used to "You alright?" which, functionally, isn't that different. Me: Nope. Tell me about you. 2. Ask back? If a coworker does this several times in a row, I sense they dont want to connect with me on that level and stop asking. Im saying lets not be unkind to the LW for disliking or feeling stress about this particular social situation. 3. If you have plans, just say so. I myself often do not care what Im eating because FOOD, but even if I have zero preference as to the restaurant, I will engage in the decision making process in order to help the other person out, and also because it gets us to food that much faster. 2. More and more, Ive been owning that I dont ever have to say yes. This business of hanging on to parental authority as a form of rent, however, has already damaged your relationship, from what youre saying. As such, I like to preface it with taking care of some stuff. On Thursday or Friday, its got any plans for the weekend? and on Monday, its do anything fun this weekend? I dont think theyre trying to find it my deep personal secrets, its on the same level as hows it going? or wow, traffic was awful this morning, huh? and I answer at that same level (oh, this and that, how bout you?). Apologize IMMEDIATELY and never ask me that again!. That question from certain people stresses me too! ' If you ' re studying, doing homework or anything else you deem daunting, this is a great text to send your crush. People on a dating site who ask what youre up to on Thursday are not literally asking what youre doing Thursday. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?". She didnt have other plans; she just wanted to draw a line in the sand about him telling her what to do. Ok so Ive been wanting to go to this play, I was thinking of going to the Friday night show or the Saturday matinee, would you be interested in one of those dates?. Teaching my fish how to swim. Cousin Charles is having a party, and I think it would be good if you showed up.. While having to put up with gday, mate lacks the structural oppression of whats aimed at POC, it is still annoying. In general, most people will expect a response like this when they . Its just small talk! If the asker tends to demand stuff from me, Im likely to claim Ill be busy. ), (4) I just found a salamander, can I put it in your mouth?. Oof this is hard, because how you deal with it can and will vary so wildly depending upon whos doing the asking of you. Need some help actually. I dont spend a lot of time imagining what youre doing over the weekend. You: Yeah, we should. I usually end up saying something noncommittal like I might be doing xyz, but Im not sure yet why? and waiting to see what the actual deal is. Just ask! How are you? They know this. I cant see into the future and neither can the people in my life. to invent some activity or decide how much to share), and 3.allowing you to then respond either positively or negatively to whatever suggestion comes next. Theres always some kind of obligation, because theyre my parents and I love them and I want to honor what theyve done for me in giving me a great life. So of course, you tell her, youll all walk separately from now on (keep the cheery loud voice of happy certainty and smile hugely the whole time). 3. that kind of thing), whereas work is seen as almost virtuous, as my family holds work/money in high regard, and my hours are unusual enough that no one can remember what they are. That doesnt make it okay. Important points about both solutions is a) she gets to participate in the decision and doesnt just get told and b) she makes her own timetable about chores. Im a big fan of being super clear: That depends, are you asking me out? Im looking forward to some down time. and the goal is to just be ok with letting them down when they are the ones who have set an unagreed demand on your time. How hard is it, whats the timing, is it just for me personally (thats a favor), or is it for the greater familyHER greater family? If you have a faaaaaaaamlyyyyyyyyyyyyyy culture where not providing free labor on demand for family makes you the jerk, lean in to it and accept the mantle of jerk; this frees you from ever needing to try to avoid that label in the future. I saved up enough to move out. Do you have time to talk?" "What Are You Up To?" Can Be a Way to Ask "Are You Busy?" Here's another example: Jana: Hi Rob, how are you? There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. Its the same here. Every weekend! How can I ask in a way that minimizes that feeling? My response if Im up for it is Looking like a fun one, but did you have something in mind? If Im probably not up for it I say All the things! Cause you dont have to find out if Im busy BEFORE inviting me to something or asking me for a favor. Its 2018. Based on your listed interests, it looks like we have a lot in common. Its okay that sometimes my anxiety is bad. People who act like or claim that it is impolite are exhibiting the things I dont like must be rude/mean fallacy. My ILs do this. Id like to leave you with a couple of last thoughts to consider: One is that you say she has reacted to, We are going to by hearing a command and responding accordingly. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. You're confident and independent, but you still overthink this kind of stuff. And she might feel hurt that Id rather do nothing than do something with her. If an invitation to something materializes at this reply, I have no problem saying No. 3. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY.. He hardly ever asks anymore though. Im glad for the above scripts! But if someone says what are you doing tomorrow night and I say painting my toenails in front of Netflix, that leaves me without a graceful out. When we nearly got evicted from our housing situation, I was critically busy trying to find an apartment for me and the housemates, and it kind of annoyed me to have friends pinging me like Heyyy, I miss you, can we get lunch this week, without finding out if I was actually available first. As long as I sound friendly, folks who have no ulterior motive take it at face value, and the ones who are being invasively nosy, or hoping to trick me into something, are taken aback and sometimes given subtle notice that I will set boundaries And I understand many of your points. I have a group of friends now whom I trust not to give me a hard time about the explicit choice to paint my toenails in front of Netflix instead of going out. Not blond but like superwhite. And we do know that extreme surveillance is a very brutal and destructive form of torture. No one asks or cares, but its as vague as the original request and helps facilitate the DELAY! tactic the Captain talks about. No more Did I say sunday I meant saturday, now you have to change all your weekend plans ever again. Oh LW this might be one of my very biggest pet peeves. In the age of smartphones I also often find that my calendar is inside the device Im holding up to my ear In theory I could ask them to pause the conversation while I check the calendar, but I havent yet found a script to actually get them to stop talking while I do that.

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